So, the issue of today (tonight, actually) that I'm going to address is trust. This particular trust that is driving my train of thought is Committed Relationship Trust, although I'm sure it can be applied to other types as well.
First things first, a little bit of grounded-in-reality background. I say "grounded-in-reality" because when I then begin to talk about the trust issues, you will see the contrast of my issues and how I perceive things versus, well, reality.
I have been dating my boyfriend, Brian, for just under a year, and basically, I think he's tops. Despite all the sarcastic remarks and eye rolling and "mad eyes" faces that I throw his way, I am crazy about him. He's smart, he's attractive, he's very competent at everything he does, he is in control of his life, he's funny, he's fun to spend time with, anyway I'm getting obnoxious about it but I really love the guy. He's nowhere near perfect (haha hey babe), but really, in all seriousness, I am completely floored by him and this relationship.
Except for one small problem... I'm a neurotic mess.
I am constantly asking him, "You love me, right?" AND to make it worse, when he sighs and says, "Yes," in an exhausted voice (because it's the fifth time I've asked him in the past two hours) I laughed but that little monster in the back of my brain is doubting. When he gets a text and doesn't tell me who it is, the monster assures me it's a girl he would rather be spending time with. When he rants about some political issue and I have nothing to say about it, the trust monster tells me he must think I'm so stupid. When we bicker over something stupid, that same monster is telling me to get out of the relationship first before he tries to leave me. It's bad. Like, it's really bad.
I absolutely haven't solved it. I like to think of it more as a work in progress.
I'm keeping perspective by acknowledging my "monster" for what it is-- a neurosis. We all have flaws. We all have serious flaws. This is one of my many serious flaws. It doesn't devalue me as a human being, but trusting and leaving myself majorly vulnerable is definitely not one of my strengths. I do have strengths, some very good ones as it is, but this is an extreme weakness. It's okay, though. Doesn't devalue me as a human being, doesn't take away my right nor my ability to develop and grow. It is what it is, and supposedly, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem-- it's not just for alcoholics, folks.
I'm practicing. When I hear the monster, I tell it to shut the F up. Unfortunately for poor Brian, I'm not always successful, and I succumb. Does this make me a hopeless case? No. Which is why I have patience with myself, and I keep trying. Hopefully he's having patience with me, too ;)
Positivity, which I haven't gotten around to writing about (although I'm sure it's self-explanatory). One day, I will conquer the monster, with or without therapy :) It may not go away completely and/or forever, but I will have enough power over it and have developed strong enough habits to keep it locked up in it's corner and not affect me (think John Nash, as depicted by Russell Crowe in the movie "A Beautiful Mind").
This particular entry is part of my "positivity", actually. Even if no one ever speaks up to me about it, I like to think that there is someone out there in the virtual world who will stumble upon this, and find some solidarity. Because my trust issues tend to rear their head especially when I'm emotionally (or physically, even) exhausted, and have lost the patience and positivity to keep trying. It's always refreshing to be encouraged by someone who understands, to feel not so alone, to feel not so abnormal. So, if you're out there, I completely feel your pain. It sucks, but we can beat it, and be even more awesome.
And for the love of GOD, if someone has some advice, pleeeease let me know :)
More on "vulnerability" later. Sleep well, online universe.
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